Madness Has No Method
by little furry cannibals
Summary: Imprinting is always rainbows and sunshine for the wolf it happens to. Unfortunately, the rest of the pack doesn't think so.


A/N: Beta'd by sfiddy. A one shot entry for the JBNP "My Front Door" contest.

* * *

Few things ever seemed positive about being a werewolf. The idea of imprinting had been feared by most of us but in the end it was a blissful joy. At least we had thought so until Embry realized he was the lone wolf out in having a soul mate.

For months, he had secretly moped. Not one to outwardly bitch, he had listened to us all carry on about the joys of our mates. The day I found him sitting alone on the cliff-side, I felt his emptiness. Embry was tired of not having a person to share with; a person who was only his. The day he finally connected with his soul-mate was the day we all stopped to pause and re-evaluate imprinting. Something had gone wrong.

"Come on, Jake! I don't understand why Paul gets to get out of this, but I have to go. Just turn the car around and tell Sam we have a flat. Or we were in an accident. Or we drove off a cliff! I really don't care, but please, let's just go home," Quil whined as we got closer to the set location. Actually, he had been whining for the past four days but until just now, it had been mostly under his breath.

Turning down the radio, I answered his ridiculous question. "Quil, you know as well as I do we can't do that. Embry needs us right now and we are all going to support him any way we can, ok?"

"Embry doesn't need us; he needs a fucking witch doctor or a shrink. Hell, shoot him in the head with a silver bullet and put us all out of our misery," Quil remarked harshly.

Rolling my eyes at Quil's urban-myth stupidity, I tried once more to explain it. "He isn't depressed about this, Quil. He's finally happy and we need to be happy for him. He feels like we've been avoiding him-"

"We have," Quil added, as I continued to talk.

"And Sam thinks we should be more casual about it. A guys night out isn't going to kill us. Claire will be just as happy to see you later as she would be to see you now," I reminded him, hoping that thoughts of Claire would distract him long enough to see us through this evening relatively scar free. It didn't.

"That's where you're wrong. By the time this night is over, Claire will be just as miserable as I am cause I'll be a drooling-zombie-wolf-boy and won't be able to even Think about anything fun. And why the hell does Paul get to get out of this? The lucky bastard." Throwing his arms in the air, Quil huffed and slumped back into his seat.

"Paul can't be here for the same reason that next week, I won't be here," I gritted out, hating to speak of Rachel and sex in the same sentence. "It's almost incestuous to listen to Paul brag about nailing my sister." Breathing deeply, I tried to relax myself. I gave up as soon as Quil opened his mouth.

"So, what? I have to bang your sister to get out of this fun night? Fuck, Jake, turn the car around. I'll go book a flight to Hawaii tonight! Anything so I don't have to participate in this horror fest."

"One, I don't think you'd want to sleep with Rebecca and ruin your relationship with Claire. And two, it won't be that bad, okay? You aren't the only one who has to listen to Embry. Despite everything, he is still our friend."

"Some friend," Quil muttered as we pulled into the gravel drive-way of a local bar/restaurant. Both Sam and Embry's vehicles were present. Jared had gotten a ride with Sam and the three would have already secured a table for us.

Like a death-row inmate, Quil lagged behind me as we walked up the wooden porch and stepped into the dimly lit area. Swinging open the door, we walked inside. The clinking of glasses, loud music and boisterous laughter assaulted our ears while groups of men and women stood near pool tables and around the full length bar.

Playing the human part, Jared stood up and waved us over to where the group sat. Both Jared and Embry were nursing beers while Sam sipped a Coke, probably laced with rum. None of us were drinkers but this was supposed to be guys' night and it was an expected behavior.

Sitting down next to Embry at the large rounded table, I gave him a smile. Quil continued to drag his feet as he made his way over and plopped down on the other side in between Sam and Embry.

A waitress came over immediately, adjusting her top and shorts and plastering on a huge smile. After many casual, and not so casual, suggestions as to what there was to be had, she left and returned moments later with our drink order. After another round of helpful suggestions, she left with our food order. It wasn't a difficult task; the place only offered burgers and wings.

"Hey guys," Embry greeted us, once the waitress had finally really left. He still held that newly imprinted, love-struck, starry eyed expression. I wanted and needed to be supportive for him, but I couldn't stop the tremble of anxiety that began low in my belly.

"Hey, Em. How have you been?" I asked, fully knowing he had been fine. For fucks-sake, we had all been phased and out for a run not three nights ago. Maybe for once in his life, Quil had been right. This might not be such a good idea after all.

"Good, good. B say's to tell you all hello. She was a little sad we wouldn't have our usual Friday-night movie date, but I promised to make it up to her later," Embry supplied with a knowing grin.

Quil started choking on his drink and Jared pounded him a few times on his back until the hacking stopped.

"That's, uhh, great, Em," I stuttered, hoping I didn't sound like too much of an ass. Bells and I used to have our own movie nights, but with the threat of vamps, life and imprinting, those nights had become fewer and fewer. I couldn't help but miss the more simple times, when it had just been the two of us.

"Yeah. She said she was going to watch some classics tonight and hopefully still be awake when I get back," Embry stated. "If she falls asleep, I may just have to surprise her awake."

"Sam and I got it easy tonight. Emily went over to our place so her and Kim could knit together. I told Kim that was just code for gossiping. Hell, our houses are close enough they could easily sit on their own porches, hold a conversation and not even have to yell." Jared just grinned. He did live pretty close to Sam, but their mates felt the need to spend mass amounts of time in the same room. All in all, it was nice to know they acted like sisters despite not sharing any blood ties.

"What about you, Jake?" Quil asked mischievously. "What's your little flower doing tonight, home and all alone?"

"She said she was going to finish a marketing report, so tomorrow we can head out and go camping for a few days," I offered up, wondering how stupid this whole exchange was.

"Yeah, right!" Quil hooted. "The only tent she's interested in would be the one you're pitching in your pants."

I swallowed my angry retort as the waitress came back with our food. She stood opposite of whoever's food she was passing out, making sure that we all got a good look at her boobs while leaning over. The process repeated itself while she placed random condiments in the center.

For the next ten minutes or so, no one said a thing as we all ate our meals. The tension and awkwardness of the evening reappeared while everyone scrambled to think of an intelligent topic to discuss. No one wanted to address the obvious elephant.

After our dishes had been removed and the waitress had been properly assured we weren't interested in any of her "desserts", she left. And we stared at each other. Finally Sam cleared his throat and spoke.

"Jared," Sam requested, turning to look at him. "Why don't you start?" All of us swung our gazes to look at him.

"Oh, okay," Jared complied, looking slightly nervous to be first. "Well, you know how quiet Kim is and everything. So last Sunday, after our usual late-morning brunch, I went outside to take care of the yard work. Maybe thirty minutes later, I came back in and went to take a shower. Kim hates it when I track in leaves and crap and I knew she had probably already done her daily vacuuming. I got out and expected to find her folding laundry. I go into the living room and the whole room is dark; blinds are drawn, curtains closed, everything. Kim is sitting on the couch, completely covered up to her neck with her eyes closed. I started to freak out a little bit; worried that maybe she didn't feel well and was trying to rest. Before I could even turn on a light, she flips the stereo on, throws the shawl off of her and starts dancing…"

Two minutes later, after describing all of Kim's little twists, turns and squats, Jared went into the dirty details.

"…then she rips off her skirt, unbuttons her blouse and straddles me on the couch. Damn, I was turned on; I don't even remember how my shorts got ripped. With nothing but stilettos on, she had her way with me right on the couch. Damn, it was sexy!"

Jared had a cheesy smile on his face. For him, Kim's enticements were enough to turn on even the coldest of men. His tale was a nice ice-breaker though, and we all gave the approving guy-nod.

"Better keep her away from your girl, Jake," Quil snickered at me. "Otherwise, she may try something like that and you'll be the only one-eyed werewolf." Clearing his throat, Quil dropped his voice to imitate the Superman announcer. "Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to decapitate a vampire with a single twist. Look out in the forest, it's a man! It's a wolf! It's the Alpha…whose imprint gouged him in the eye when she tripped while wearing stilettos," he tittered, once again trying to remind me of the Alpha title I refused to claim.

The whole table erupted in laughter while I silently fumed. My girl wasn't a trapeze artist, that's for sure. But with my reflexes, I'd definitely catch her before any one became maimed.

The laughing finally subsided as new drinks were brought to the table. I don't think any of us were completely comfortable with this sharing exercise and Sam finally spoke up.

"I guess it's my turn. First, it with great pleasure that I tell all of you, Emily is more than likely pregnant." All of us cheered for Sam and his announcement. They had been trying for awhile and Sam wouldn't have volunteered that lightly if it wasn't an actual fact.

Accepting our congratulations, Sam started his own story. "I went home for lunch on Tuesday and she was in the kitchen doing her usual thing; making mass amounts of food for you hoodlums. On the table were six apple pies still cooling. Emily's never been picky about sharing, so I kissed her hello and grabbed a fork to indulge a little. Then out of nowhere, she starts crying."

"Fucking hormones," Quil muttered before speaking directly to Sam. "Dude, you better get used to that shit. Emily's P.M.S. days are going to feel like a walk in the park compared to the shit storm she'll throw at you while pregnant."

"If some of them end as kinky as lunch did that day, I'll be more than happy to weather them," Sam answered while smirking. Quil watched too many soap-operas to know what the hell he was talking about.

Quil sat up straighter, radiating disbelief. "No way, Sam. You're gonna tell me you had sex, good sex at that, while Emily was a blubbering mess? I don't fucking believe you one bit."

"If you'd shut your trap, I just might be able to finish my story," Sam growled out.

"Go right ahead. This I have to hear," Quil mocked, leaning back into his chair. Sam looked like he was going to say more to Quil, but changed his mind when Embry coughed lightly.

"After she stopped crying, she apologized for her outburst. I assured her it was fine and was more than happy to hold and comfort her. I bent down to kiss her when she…well she basically sexually attacked me. One minute it was sweet and romantic and the next minute it was like dealing with a nympho. Emily decided she wanted us to have sex right there on the kitchen table. Being the loving, doting husband I agreed and quickly went to remove the pies. So we would have more room," Sam whispered, his last sentence barely audible. This whole line of conversation was so out of his league and it showed. Lucky for us, Quil knew who to keep on track.

"Good thinking, dude, save the pies. Although, I gotta say, it is kinda gross. Man, we eat at the table and now I gotta worry about your pube hairs? Gah!"

"Anyways," Sam continued, speaking over Quil, "Emily decided she wanted to try something different and I, uhh, of course agreed." He stopped talking and took a hasty drink, color blooming on his checks. Sam was always very cool and collected, so whatever he was about to share had to be good.

"She…umm…well she said she wanted to experience a different version of oral pleasure combined with self-gratification."

"A different…Good God, man!"Quil yelled out. "There are only so many ways one can get a blow-job. You guys are amateurs, though, if she gave while rubbing herself."

"No, not like that!" Sam yelled out loudly before looking around the room for eavesdroppers. He needn't have worried; people could care less about a group of rowdy men sharing sex stories at a bar. Hell, more than half the place was having similar conversations.

"Emily wanted to watch me pleasure myself through her cooking. Then have me watch her while she dined on my…..well after I was done."

Jared's jaw would have made a loud thunk if it had hit the table when it fell open. I too had huge eyes as I processed just exactly what Sam was saying. Embry smiled sheepishly, probably thinking of how excited his girl would be at such a suggestion. That idea alone wiped away my own smirk.

"She wanted to suck you off after you rubbed one out in front of her?" Quil asked, completely dumbfounded. I leaned back in my chair to relish in Sam's discomfort of having to provide a slightly more graphic version for Quil's benefit.

"Yeah, sort of," Sam offered.

"No, not sort of. What the hell are you saying exactly? This is share and tell time, gents. And you, Sam, aren't entirely sharing."

"Oh for the love…damn it, Quil! She wanted me to fuck her apple pie and then she'd eat it afterwards. There, is that dumbed down enough for you?"

Sam and Quil were glaring at each other, but the rest of us couldn't hold it any longer. Tears of laughter poured down my face as Quil fit the pieces together. By the time he spoke up, I could barely breathe from laughing so hard.

"You fucked a pie? You fucked an apple pie that the rest of us later ate? That's fucking sick!"

"Can you count, Quil? I already said there were six pies and if you'll remember, later that evening there were four untouched pies served as our dessert for that night."

Both Sam and Quil continued to shoot eye barbs at each other while the rest of us tried to stop wheezing in amusement.

When Embry could finally hold a straight expression, he spoke up. "Why don't you go next, Quil," he suggested. Looking a little better than from earlier, I hoped to hell we could return the favor when it was his turn. I had to voice my own stipulation before Quil could mind rape us of our sanity. He could be very graphic and I was extremely grateful that his imprint was of age and not some shoddy toddler like told from past legends.

"Go ahead, Quil, but I'm warning you. This story better not end like that one from a few months ago. The one where you and Claire were having sex on a see-saw at the park and then ended up enlightening a group of nine and ten year old boys by proving that you could, in fact, piss further than the goldfish statue could spit out water while Claire searched for her clothes."

"Jake, you're just jealous. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to have sex while maintaining perfect balance? And I already told you, had I known an audience of midgets was going to appear, we would have had our happy time someplace else."

"Like the fountain?" I asked sarcastically, remembering Quil's vision. Not too many people appreciated a grown man peeing on a public side-walk in a park. Even if it was to prove a point.

"The fountain was just to divert their focus," Quil explained. "But I'm telling you, that fountain has a shitty pressure system. That stupid goldfish looked like it was drooling, not spraying water."

Moaning in defeat, I rested my forehead in my hands while Quil began his tale.

"You know how Claire is always looking for bargains to buy supplies for the daycare center? So yesterday, I had promised to tag along with her to Seattle; something about some big toy store going out of business. That's the last time I let her convince me _toy_ is code for some secret sex shop. Anyways we ended up in the wrong part of the city. There's that block that has all those antique stores and stuff. Well as luck would have it, there was also an antique toy store, again not my type of toys but whatever.

We go inside and it's like nasty smelling. Claire said it smelled like history; I thought it smelled like aged sweat and memories people couldn't get away from fast enough. Man, you should have seen some of the shit people had for their kids a hundred years ago. Seriously, how exciting could pulling a string attached to a duck on wheels be? Fucking retarded." Pausing as though he had lost his train of thought, Quil stared off into space. I didn't even want to know what he was thinking. No doubt it had something to do with ducks and not the quack-quack kind. Feathers would have been a given.

Realizing he needed to continue, Quil actually picked up where he had left. "The couple who ran the place where as old as dirt. Shit, I don't think they even knew we had come in there to begin with. Claire started walking around, looking at Victorian doll houses, teddy bears that should have been buried a long time ago and these creepy porcelain dolls. Geez, I don't care about people watching me and shit, but those dolls and their eyes."

Sam groaned out loud, gaining everyone's attention before he questioned our pack delinquent. "Quil, you didn't…I mean, we've had this discussion already. Please tell me this story doesn't involve you desecrating someone's family heirloom?"

"Eww, no. Were you not listening? I just said those dolls were creepy. What kind of pervert do you take me for?" Quil asked, completely offended. Half of La Push could have written an encyclopedia-length report of Quil's indiscretions. Why he thought Sam was being overly mean was beyond my comprehension. Sam just shook his head and motioned for Quil to continue.

"At the back of the store, there were some model trains and shit that looked kind of cool. I was trying to run-over some doll that looked like that Cullen-dick before Claire said I should just let it go. So we're getting ready to leave when I see this door on the far wall that's cracked open. With my ninja-stealth, I grabbed Claire and stepped inside to see what Old Man Time and his shriveled bride were keeping hidden.

The entire room was decorated from like the civil war era or something. There was this tiny ass, iron framed bed, a piss-pot in the corner and what I thought was a fruit bowl but Claire said it was a bathtub. Was everyone a fucking midget back then?"

"I think Claire meant a washing basin, Quil. People poured water into it and kind of had a standing bath since filling an actual tub was usually a chore," Jared volunteered.

"Quil," I interrupted, wondering what disastrous punch line had yet to come our way. "Does this story have any bonding time in it, or is it just all about your general lack of knowledge regarding history?"

"Damn, Jake, you're a grumpy fuck, aren't you? What, did your imprint hold on giving you any pie?" Both Jared and Embry snickered while Sam looked everywhere but at us. Right about now, he was no doubt seeing how this might not be a good way to help Embry.

"Shut up, Quil. My sex life is fine and good. None of us are used to you taking so long to get to the fucking part of your tale. That's usually the first thing out of your mouth; followed by an intense twenty minutes of retelling it from every possible angle."

"Hey, that's not fair. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, Jake, and tell a story properly. You could back off, you know."

"You're right, my apologies," I sneered, waiting for this avalanche adventure to hit its zenith.

"Like I was saying before, the room was whacked. I don't think anyone had been in there since Nixon tricked his dick or whatever that White-water rafting shit was about. But the room had one promising thing about it." Quil paused to enjoy all of our stares while he casually sipped his beer.

"Well…..what the hell was it?" Jared demanded uncharacteristically. Out of all of us, he was usually reserved and avoided Quil details like a plague.

"Oh, so you're interested, huh? Well, in the corner there was a Mustang, all polished and cherried out. That bitch had been waxed!"

"The room had a car in it?" I questioned, kind of shocked. Like most, we could all appreciate a finely detailed muscle car, but to Quil it wouldn't have been anything new or unusual. He often bragged of how car sex was standard for him and Claire.

"Jake," Quil began impatiently. "Do you think I'd try to razzle-dazzle you with such a mundane sex story? I didn't say 'Stang', I said Mustang. As in horse?" The term registered with me and I nodded slowly, really wishing Quil could just participate in something normal and at home.

"Are you done interrupting me with stupid questions?" Quil asked. I was too numb to verbally reply so I just continued to nod while Quil gloated. "Of course, Claire saw it and immediately she skipped on over to where it stood. Now, Claire has never been shy, but," Quil lowered his voice and leaned over the table. "She got that sex-look and stripped her clothes faster than I could say Mr. Ed.

So here I am, standing in shock as she mounts the damn thing, butt-ass naked and starts rocking back and forth like it's her own personal sex toy, while asking me if I wanted to play cowboys and Indians with her," Quil screeched in excitement. Sam and Jared held their usual expressions of shock while inwardly, I cringed. This tale was not going to end as simply as Claire and Quil fucking on a rocking horse.

"You joined her, right, Quil?" Embry asked. His imprint bond had to be one hell of a distraction; he was the only one at the table, aside from Quil, not wanting to slither to the ground and crawl away like a crab.

"Oh, Em, I did more than join her; I improvised. While she was rocking back and forth, moaning out suggestions, I stripped and went to play. Picking her up from that beautiful sex saddle, I gave her a few licks to see just how turned on she was. Once she was good and ready, I set her back down in front of the horse in a perfect position, while I took over her previous spot. When I rocked the horse forward, its muzzle would rub perfectly in between her legs. Dude, she went fucking wild. The harder I pushed that little pony, the louder she got. I finally had to grip my own dick or risk permanent blue balls. When she hit her O, so did I."

Quil turned to face me directly, saving the last bit of torture like some sort of exclusive. "And, Jake? Not only can I piss further than that stupid goldfish, but I was able to come directly into the fruit bowl on the dresser. It was fucking classy!"

The lull that fell amongst us was unnoticeable to Quil. Grinning like the pervert he was, he waited for high-fives and accolades that would never come.

So, uhh, did you guys leave after that?" Jared asked to break the silence.

"Fuck no, we didn't leave. For the encore, we christened the bed. By the time we left, I actually felt sentimental and we ended up buying the horse. By next weekend, I'll have installed a vibrator; not only its nose but probably the saddle as well. That bitch holds promise!"

After Quil had finished explaining his quest, Sam felt it was appropriate for some shots. Within fifteen minutes, we had easily finished six each with the promise of at least two more before anyone would feel comfortable enough to talk. Embry excused himself for a moment to go call B and Sam took the opportunity to question us.

"Embry seems more relaxed than he has in weeks around us. I know this is difficult for all of us," casting a glance at Quil's grin, Sam clarified. "Well, difficult for most of us, but by openly sharing, he will realize we aren't ashamed of what happened to him and still consider him as a brother. I don't think I need to remind you all to keep up happy appearances when he decides to share a story of his own. And Quil?" Sam asked, reaching over to slap across the back of the head. "I swear, no matter what Embry says, you will not make him sad or angry. Got it?"

Rubbing his head, Quil's smile vanished as he began to semi-whine. "Alright, I got it. But ten bucks says he doesn't have a story half as worthy as mine. Hell, I bet fifty bucks he doesn't have a story half as worthy as Jared's."

"Hey," Jared complained. "There wasn't a single thing wrong with my story. Damn, Quil, we can't all be sexual delinquents such as yourself."

Quil opened his mouth to unleash who knows what when Sam stopped him. "Quiet! Here comes Embry. Behave."

Embry sat back down and apologized for needing to leave. We all waved it off, knowing how strong the first couple of months could be between a newly imprinted pair. Embry smiled his appreciation and began to drink a glass of water, instead of alcohol like the rest of us were chugging.

"Embry, did you want to switch to a different type of shot?" Sam asked, while Quil hurriedly drank his whiskey before reaching over to down Embry's as well.

"That's okay, Sam. I told B we'd have a few beers when I got back. Even with my metabolism, my imprint's a stout drinker. I better go into that as sober as I can be." All of us rippled in apprehension at Embry's casual remark. Sam nodded once then finished his own shot before waving for another. I couldn't wait for this night to be over so I could be relieved of my misery.

"Jake, why don't you go next?" Sam offered, seeing my reluctance.

Figuring I could just give hasty example like Jared, I searched for something that would amuse the guys but not embarrass my imprint. Whatever I told them would more than likely get back to her via Quil's big-ass mouth and the last thing I wanted to do was see the hurt in her eyes.

"Jake, would it be okay if I went next?" Embry asked me, much to my surprise. This is what we were here for; for Embry to feel comfortable talking about his imprint.

"Sure, sure," I agreed, both relieved and nervous. This was the crux of the evening and I prayed to everything imaginable, I'd still be able to form coherent sentences when Embry was finished.

"Well, I'd like to thank all of you for offering to do this. You guys can't imagine how happy I am to know that everyone wishes the best for B and I. I know you were all hurting when I was kind of depressed being the only one minus an imprint. It was a dark time but you were right, Jake. As dark as the well of despair felt, there was a beam a light waiting for me. I truly feel like a new man with B in my life."

I could faintly hear Quil grinding his feet into the floor while the rest of us were as stoic as possible. If Sam had thought this out better, he would have Alpha ordered us to sit here and enjoy; not just rely on our good nature for this.

"I know it's only been a couple of months since I found her and the rest of you probably had tons of sex by that time," Embry explained. "But me and B haven't been that close yet."

"Thank fucking god," Quil exclaimed rather loudly, causing the pack to stare. "What I meant was, Em is a good man for waiting. That takes guts, dude. Way to go." Quil gave an Emmy-worthy smile that only Embry believed.

"Wow, thanks, Quil. Out of everyone, I figured you would have given me the hardest time about that," Embry gushed, pleased that he wouldn't feel the brunt of Quil's merciless teasing.

"Not a chance. Take all the time you need to explore that…uhh…miracle of life. In fact, I totally understand if, even after you and b get there, you'd rather not share. Some things are better left private." Embry beamed, pleased to see an understanding Quil. The rest of us waited for whatever alien that had possessed him to pop out.

"But you guys have been so forthright in sharing some personal stuff that I need to at least give you something."

I think we all wilted a little at Embry's confession. I imagined the sounds of rusty gears as Sam's face tried to project an encouraging smile. He couldn't keep it though. Jared's sigh almost sounded like "damn".

"Last Friday was our usual movie night. I can't tell you how cute it is when B bellows from across the house to get my scrawny ass in the living room because she wants to start the DVD and if I don't hurry up, she's going to eat my pizza…"

I had to mentally evaluate that statement. Very few people could call Embry scrawny. All of us were built like body-builders with well defined muscles attached to six foot seven frames. Next to Embry's imprint, though, he easily looked scrawny; emaciated even.

"…laughing I joined her, getting ready to tease her about the onion and anchovy pizza she had devoured on her own. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw her. Not only had she dressed up for our movie, but she had shaved."

I had to swallow the bile quickly rising in my throat. Even though Quil had lost most of his color, he still felt the need to ask,"What was she wearing that could let you see her…her…badger?"

"Quil," Embry sighed in exasperation. "We haven't even had sex yet. Do you really think she'd start by flashing me? She was wearing a very nice, plaid muumuu. It was even in my favorite colors of orange and yellow."

"Oh," Quil said, swallowing loudly. "So, she…shaved her legs?"

I really hoped Sam would be the one to lose it and fly at Quil so he'd shut the fuck up. There was no need to encourage Embry for details; we'd need therapy as it was, without Quil's asisstance.

"No," Embry answered whimsically, supporting his chin one-handed. "She shaved her moustache. Well, except for that area around her mole. But it's so cute and…fuzzy. Reminds of a cuddly little hedehog"

I really wished I had opted for something lighter for dinner; water with no ice. I was nauseous; Sam was grimacing so tightly his lips had disappeared; Jared looked like he was reciting the decimal places of pi and Quil? Quil looked like the goldfish he had been making fun of earlier as his pursed lips opened and closed in a repetitive pattern.

Embry continued to explain how he and B, which was short for Bertha, teased each other through the night. We almost made it to the finish line, partially unscathed when Embry unleashed his bombshell: Last Friday night was the first time they engaged in oral sex. When he got to the part where B's skin (her fat rolls) molded around his legs, Quil bolted out the door with Jared hot on his heels.

Embry looked slightly disappointed when Jared returned ten minutes later and said we'd have to cut the night short as Quil must have eaten some bad food and couldn't stop retching in the bushes outside. Before Embry could finish explaining about his love of a certain, new found bush, I made my excuses and left. After all, I was car-pooling with Quil and it would have been rude of me to leave him outside while he was ill.

Helping Quil into the passenger side, I walked around the vehicle to get in and go home. My hands were shaking so bad I had to try three times to put the keys in the ignition. Still uneasy, I cautiously backed out and pulled out onto the highway.

"Jake," Quil croaked out, still trembling as well. "Maybe you could ask Sam to order us temporarily deaf while in Embry's presence? I don't think I have it in me to do this again next week. As it is, I think it'll take at least a month before I'll even want to sleep in the same bed as Claire. Big Johnson Quil," he stated, pointing to his dick, "has gone into hibernation. It'll be a long time before I'll be able to perform. I hope I don't need to see a shrink about this."

"Me too, Quil, me too," I answered, while praying that my Bella knew of some more relaxation tricks to help me forget this evening.

"You know that well of despair Embry was talking about?" Quil asked as I approached his house.

"Yeah."

"Could we maybe….throw them both in it, seal it and walk away?"

"Quil, I don't think she'd fit," I answered him. With a nod, Quil got out of the car to head inside while I drove home. Madness had no method and apparently neither did imprinting.


End file.
